Appropriate attire for women testifying before the Kansas Ethics Committee.

Kansas Senator Mitch Holmes recently imposed guidelines for people who appear before the Senate Ethics Committee. There are some reasonable things in there, like requesting that cell phones and pagers (for those still living in the 1980s) be silenced in the committee room.

But the requirement getting the most attention is item number two that states: “For ladies, low cut necklines and miniskirts are inappropriate.” According to Holmes, he wants “you [women] to be addressing the issue rather than trying to distract or bring eyes to yourself.”

To my knowledge, no woman who has ever addressed the Kansas Senate Ethics Committee has gone before that body with the express intent of bringing (creepy guys’) eyes to herself. Trust me, nobody sits in front of Mitch thinking, “Gee, I hope this neck line is low enough so he will ogle my boobs.”

But, we have to understand. Poor Mitch doesn’t want to ogle our boobs. Or he doesn’t want to want to ogle our boobs. We should really help him out here. So I, for one, will agree to wear a turtleneck with pants if I am ever called before the Kansas Ethics Committee. (A girl can dream, can’t she.)

I’ll help old Mitch avoid being distracted by my boobs if he will help me avoid distraction as well. Here are my guidelines for Mitch Holmes if I am ever addressing the Ethics Committee:

1. Do not pay attention to how short my skirt is. Or how low my blouse is. Really, don’t even think about what parts of my body are or are not covered to your satisfaction. WATCH MY LIPS. LISTEN to what I am saying to you.
2. Do not refer to women as “ladies.” In fact, if you find yourself needing to specify a gender at all, what you are about to say is probably offensive—and therefore distracting.
3. Other words and phrases to avoid: slut, negro, homosexual agenda, illegal aliens, and tax cuts.
4. Stop taking money from the Koch brothers. Seriously, they are evil. And if I know you got elected with their money, that’s all I’ll be able to think about and I won’t listen to anything that comes out of your mouth.
5. Your 93% NRA rating is also a problem. Since you voted to allow concealed firearms without a license, I might be sitting there wondering who has a handgun hidden in their modest suit attire. Come to think of it, if all of the men present could just wear boxer shorts, I’d feel a whole lot better.
6. And that 25% rating from the Kansas school boards? Teachers in this state have just about had it with your screwy funding and policies. When they walk off the job and I have to bring my kids with me to the Senate hearing—then you’ll know the true meaning of “distraction.”
7. I would also appreciate it if you could give me a notarized copy of your most recent drug test. Since you believe that people receiving state funds should pass drug tests, I assume you won’t mind taking one. And then I won’t have to sit there wondering if you using my tax dollars to fund your drug habit.
8. Also, shave your mustache. Because I look at your picture and think, “Does he have a mustache? Yes. Wait. No. Yes. Maybe?” It’s distracting.

Information on Holmes’ funding sources and voting record are from VoteSmart.

*Also see: “My Daughters are Not Distracting.”