One of the downsides of a theological education (and/or an overactive theological imagination) is an inability to sing some favorite old hymns with naive gusto. During this Christmas season in particular, we simply know too much about the biblical story (and the reality of childbirth and babies in general) to fully believe all of the touching words in some of the most popular Christmas carols.

So, as a public service, I have re-written four beloved holiday hymns to reflect a more realistic picture of the birth of the Christ Child:

Angels we have heard on high,
And we nearly peed our pants.
And yes, OK, some of us cried
As they yelled into the dark expanse:
“Glo-o-oria. In excelsis deo.”
Oh-o-o-o, Oh-o-o-o. We’ll do whatever you say, oh!

– – – – –

Silent night, with earplugs and such,
Otherwise not so much.
Mary’s screams are heard from afar.
Then baby’s cries ring out through the air.
Chicken and sheep and cows.
No one is sleeping right now.

– – – – –

We three kings of Orient are
Not really kings nor oriental.
Truth is that we
Aren’t even three . . .
But we really did follow that star.
Oh, oh, star of wonder, star of night.
Maybe Saturn and Jupiter tight.
Or Haley’s comet—we were on it—
Or a hypernova spreading it’s light.

– – – – –

Away in a feeding trough of wood or of stone,
Young Mary put Jesus, she was tired to the bone.
The cattle were stinky, and wanted to frolic,
while Jesus kept crying—we think he has colic.

*This post is a slightly revised and expanded version of a post I wrote for Rev. Gal Blog Pals a couple of years ago.