Dear School Administration:

Please enforce the school dress code. After much searching, I found shorts for my daughter that cover her entire butt–IF they are in the rolled down position. She will be leaving the house with her shorts at an appropriate length. I trust they will stay that way.

Dear Orchestra, Theater, and Drama Directors,

Please take note: My family eats dinner at 6 p.m.–no later than 6:30. My very talented daughter, who I am sure you will want to give many solos and cast in leading roles, should eat dinner with us. Every night.

Dear Boys who Want to Date, Dance With, or Look at my Daughter,

It is true that we Mennonites are pacifists–we do not believe in violence. But we do believe in a God of grace and forgiveness . . . should we stray, temporarily, from our pacifist convictions.

Dear Fellow Students,

I know she doesn’t look like it, but my daughter is actually an undercover cop. Offering her anything to drink stronger than Mountain Dew will land you in juvenile detention. Offering her anything to smoke or inject will result in a jail sentence of indeterminate length. Any attempt to harm her will result in a SWAT team surrounding the school.

Dear Girlfriends,

The title of “Drama Queen” has been awarded to Emily Wilson of Seboygan,Wisconsin. Thank you all for participating. You may now cease competing. If you are my daughter’s friend, be nice to her. If you are not my daughter’s friend, be nice to her. As you talk to or about my daughter, please do not say anything you wouldn’t want her mother to hear. Because, you know, moms hear things . . .

Dear Cafeteria Workers,

You should know that my daughter has a rare disorder that causes her to call various food items by the wrong names. If she asks for a “chocolate Ho-Ho,” what she really wants is a salad with extra broccoli. You’ll just have to trust me on this one.

Thank you all for attending to these important matters.

Sincerely,
Jasmine’s Mom