I first heard about the group United in Purpose several weeks ago on NPR. This group’s stated goal is to get more Christians registered to vote. They use data mining to determine who is Christian and check those names against voter registration records. If you get labeled “Christian” and you’re not registered, you may get a knock on your door soon.
Don’t worry, though. Lots of you won’t make the “Christian” cut. I know I wouldn’t.
In order to be a “Christian,” you have to have a total score of over 600 points. That’s how the folks at United in Purpose know you are “very serious about your faith.”
How can you earn these “Christian points”? There are many ways. You can be on an anti-abortion list. You can be on record as supporting “traditional marriage.” You get points for home-schooling your kids and for being a NASCAR fan. You get points if you like to fish. (After all, Jesus’ first disciples liked to fish.)
Oh, yeah. You also get points for going to church on a regular basis. Yes! Finally! I’ve earned some Christian points! But probably nowhere near 600 of them.
You know, I kind of like this idea of finding lots of people who agree with me and making sure they all vote. The problem is, I don’t have the time or money or technical savvy to pull off a big operation like United in Purpose.
So here’s the lazy version. I’ve got a quiz below. Score yourself. If you get 600 points or more, please be sure you are registered to vote. If you have between 200 and 599 points, vote if you want—I really don’t care. And if you have less than 200 points, rest assured we are not having any elections in this country for at least five or ten years.
Joanna’s Quiz to See if You Should Vote
(Points awarded based on the example of Jesus and my own personal crazy liberal prejudices.)
- You volunteer at a soup kitchen or homeless shelter—score 20 points for each time you volunteered in the last six months. (Subtract 50 points if you made people affirm Jesus Christ as their personal Lord and Savior before you would feed them.)
- Since Jesus died by state-sanctioned execution, you’ve advocated for an end to the death penalty—score 100 points.
- You have ever cast out a demon—score 50 points. (Subtract 200 points if you did it for a reality TV show.)
- You listen to good Christian music like Bach, Mozart, Les Miserables, John McCutcheon and/or the Indigo Girls—score 100 points.
- You give money to a church with a “Peace and Justice” committee (or some other such bleeding heart communist group)–score 100 points. (You’re on the Peace and Justice committee? Fifty bonus points.)
- You are able to remain patient and speak in a calm voice with people who just don’t seem to get it despite your repeated demonstrations and explanations—score 50 points.
- You speak more than one language, and speak kindly to people who speak more than one language—score 100 points.
- You’ve ever sat in the middle of a pile of kids—score 50 points. (Fifty more points if you prayed a prayer of blessing–silent or spoken–over their little wiggly, giggly bodies.)
- Your mother is a virgin—score 600 points.
- You frequently invite random tax collectors, prostitutes, and fishermen (or other assorted outcasts) to dinner—score 100 points.
- You are willing to wash people’s feet—or even their dishes—score 100 points.
- You, like Jesus, think that everyone should have access to safe, affordable health care—even women (and even when the health issues are related to a woman’s vagina)–score 200 points.
*That’s it, folks. Total up your points and get yourself registered to vote—or not. We’re on the honor system here.